Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.