Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

Just me and my debit card against the world

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.