Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.