Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Banana is the quietest snack

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single