Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?