Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
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If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
What the hell is going on?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
#have a #great #PancakeDay
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Made a playlist for your weekend hike