“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
When you put it that way… 😂
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
How to properly lift a body
