“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
All is fair in drunk and war.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats