“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.