Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Just so funny
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.