Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Bike is short for Bichael.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
We’ve all been there…
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
certified hallow’s eve classic
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait