Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Dyslexics are teople poo!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
That’s not how days work.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.