Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?