Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

My what?

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.