Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
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[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Discuss
