Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

what

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.