Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.