Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You Might Also Like
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I’ve been drinking.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Me too 😆
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy