Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You Might Also Like
#damn
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit