curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
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[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
buying dead houseplants to save time
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office