Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.