Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Incredible customer service.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.