Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
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You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
For real 🤣
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
scared to check what name she chose
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.