*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
You Might Also Like
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Oops I deleted….
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.