Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
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Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Interior design 👌
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.