Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically