Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
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“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Usage Guidelines
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered