curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
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sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
A great first step 😂
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?