curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
#Caturday
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.