curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Whoops
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”