Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes