Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore