Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*