Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job