Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it