Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
58.
