Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.