Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
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[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
😂🍻
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.