current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?