current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
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The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!