Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
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psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.