Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???