Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
British people
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”