Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?