Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
❤️🦆
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice