Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?