“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.