Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*