Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
