Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
