Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

guys I’m going home

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

I feel seen

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

When I snag the last meatball.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said