Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks