Current mood: Potato
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The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*