Current mood: Potato
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
What’s the point buying it then?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’