Current mood: Potato
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I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you