Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do