[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Mad Max Arctic Road
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
.. do you even science?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.