if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
You Might Also Like
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
i actually laughed 😩
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually