Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
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[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.