Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
How software testing works
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free