Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it