Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.