Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
