Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
This is Sparta
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.