Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.