Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Monday
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it