Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
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computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!