Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
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That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
All generalizations are stupid.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
