Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

Who called it emotional blackmail and not a heart attack?

We need more people like this.

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”