Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
found my next D&D character name
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.