Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
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They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really