Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
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Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Got him!
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*