Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music