Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
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*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
10/10 no notes
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Today’s tshirt
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.