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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
The honesty is refreshing
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
BRAKING NEWS!!
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
my first day as a raccoon
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”