What’s so funny?
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁