Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
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my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.