Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
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Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend