Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
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The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,